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A triumphant jingle plays after beating a level before abruptly cutting to a mournful refrain as if the game suddenly remembers all the livelihoods you’ve ruined. Speaking of which, it’s one of the strangest, most tonally confused campaigns in some time. Enemies stick to the same cheesy tactics, too: at one point a caravan-sized maggot headbuts then shoots silly string at me and I’m helplessly staggered for 15 agonising seconds. A typical battle with Classic Godzilla, the default kaiju unlocked, involves pressing X (on PS4) to close the gap by charging, weathering a few blows, then pressing the right trigger to stagger your foe with a roar. Soon you’ll work out which move is most effective and stick rigidly to it. It’s essentially a reskinned Rock'em Sock'em Robots. There’s no block button, and since strafing is about as effective as trying to sidestep a shark underwater, there’s little reason to move in any direction but forward, then back while you wait for your special to recharge, then forward again. When the only speed is ‘shuffle like you’re a man in 200 pounds of heavy-duty rubber’, there’s not much to combat besides wading into each other and windmilling like drunken bridesmaids at a wedding. The downside to this manufactured sensation of heaviness is, of course, fights that play out incredibly slowly. Also, realistically, who’s going to look at all the pictures you took? Your mum? Trouble is, it takes so long to unlock stages and monsters that you’ll be done with the game long before amassing anything interesting to shoot, and since the interface is grid-based, you can only plonk figures on specifically designated spots. In diorama mode, you can pose any kaiju you’ve unlocked and take pictures of them just like that Annie Leibovitz.